Shifting Depression

 OKAYYYY.............

These last few months have been really HARD on me. Like 8th grade Honors Math Hard. Entry level college calculus HARD!!!

With the help of a select few friends (yes I've lost a few along the way) and the "family" I have created, I have gotten through....but PLEASE trust me when I say this road has NOT been easy. Amidst the daily struggles of getting my mind to catch up with my body, giving my emotions a cease and desist order, lol, and trying to completely disable my heart from trusting another living soul on this planet.....I am exhausted. 

Coupled  with losing a great therapist who was strongly pushing me through my grief, being a FULL time SINGLE mother of TWO (2) kids under five, and dealing with the backlash, unwanted and unsolicited advice from those who either aren't parents, don't have kids of their OWN, or unknowingly speaking on situations they know nothing about (entirely), and dealing with relocating (will be discussed in an upcoming post), I am EXHAUSTED!!

I need new mo friends, a different outlet. I need ideas and advice please! How do yall deal with the high and low days? 

Besides the basic answers, what else can I do to help everyone's coping environment stay peaceful and in positive light? Open to suggestions 

SO Many Unanswered Questions

 I know that not everything is meant to be understood, when it is happening, or even after it has happened. Sometimes the lessons provided are to just be that...lessons. 

i have questions though, and VALID ones, cause I just don't understand! 

What did I do in my past life that I am not able to receive love that I give...IN THIS LIFE? 

Why is my love so hard to accept and live in?

Why do i struggle to find that one person to love me as I love them?

Why do I get lied to? Used? 

Played? CONSTANTLY?????? 

Like why is SO DAMN HARD to line up love, FOR ME??? 

How can someone who claims they KNOW you and understand you, constantly keep hurting you, and keep claiming that they love you? To turn around and shoe the EXACT OPPOSITE of what they are professing. 

Why is it that I am the only one able to comprehend how to make shit work? 

Why am I the only one to properly execute communication skills? 

WHY TF DO I HAVE TO KEEP TEACHING MUTHAFUCKAS how to properly love ME, as if a lesson plan and instruction manual come with being with me? 

WHY am I so HARD to LOVE????? 

What's Done in the Dark...

If you know then you know. To protect the stupidity and privacy of all persons involved, names will not be mentioned. 

Yall' 

Have you ever given a situation, a person, or a an event the time of day, knowing you're going to be disappointed, hurt, or completely shocked at the outcome....but still went ahead and endured it anyway? 

Have you ever trusted someone so much that even AFTER their multiple fuck ups, their constant deceit, their constant betrayal, you STILL gave them the benefit of the doubt? 

Like, as  much as  I want to be angry, and upset...I can't be. ALL I can do is chuckle about it and move on. Because it's no longer a surprise to me. I honestly can't make this shit up though!!!!!  EVEN AFTER I gave them multiple opportunities to come clean, be REAL, or whatever ABOUT THE SITUATION, you still sat in my face and lied. I called them out on the bullshit ass lie(s) they continued to tell, and warned them several times prior TO the actual incident, which didn't get found out until recently, 

Needless to say, I have every right to be upset. I am upset. More so disappointed, again. But still, relevant feelings, for an old situation, at this point. Even though I knew what the truth was, & evidence showed me what was real and what wasn't, me being stupid ass me, I still looked for the hope and success in this situation. For it to come back and slap me in the face, later, and not only being true to what I knew and allowing me to see, with an even clearer head, what I was supposed to see a long time ago. 

Needless to say: What's done in the dark, ALWAYS comes to light. 

If you thinking about doing something,or have done something to someone and your conscience has NOT yet started eating at you, or you KNOW before doing said stupid thing, just don't do it. Or at LEAST consider the overall picture, those directly involved, and those to be affected by the situation once it BLOWS UP in your face. 

I'm grateful for my change in perception. I'm also grateful for my new journey, away from the negativity, lies, deceit, blatant disrespect, emotional and mental abuse....and all the draining negativity that came with.....well, that I allowed myself to endure a while ago. The lesson in this is that I am healing, and learning what is acceptable and what isn't. I'm grateful that I can laugh about this now. Cause bayyyyyybay.......when I tell you it could have been volatile.....trust me when i say..... 

Happy Father's Day

 Happy Father's Day to ALL of the Fathers, Step Fathers, Uncles, Grandfathers....who have and continue to play a large part in the raising of one or more children, regardless of the situation or circumstances. 

Thank you for being selfless, and concerned with the well being and productivity of any child who has a chance to live and thrive in this unpredictable world! 

Thank you to the Single Fathers who do NOT get enough credit, nor recognition for doing what's supposed to be done, and doesn't have to be asked  to do  it, or persuaded to. You chose to do it, and created a different perception and perspective of men with children. 

Thank you for the sacrifices that you all make on adaily! Thank you for the grind. Thank you for the dedication. Thank you for the Love. Thank you for the HOPE, FAITH, and LOVE you continuously breed!N

We, as real women, thank you for gifting us, the most beautiful creation of all: LIFE!!!!!

Paying Homage

 Poetry is a philosophy, or a physiological way of outwardly showcasing one's emotional bearings. 

Sometimes, ONLY emotions can be verbalized through writing. Often times, when I couldn't find the exact words, exact concept, or proper approach to a situation, or feeling, I piked up a pen and decided to write. 

I want to first and foremost start with thanking my Heavenly Father, my Lord and Savior. Because of  him, I was truly BLESSED with the innate ability to speak freely, utilizing my imagination and painting the world as I see it to to others. Without Him, I nor my work, would begin to exist. 

🎔🎔🎔🎔🎔🎔🎔

I owe much gratitude, also, to my father and his wife. Throughout the later part of growing up, they dealt with a great part of my inner demons. With a lot of patience, understanding, and strength, they were able to pull me out of the dark void I saw myself slipping into. They are wonderful grandparents to my two beautiful children, and are amazing parents, to ALL of their kids. Thank you for steadily believing in me, even when I have moments of sheer uncertainty withing myself. 

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

To my Grandfather, My wonderful Angel. Many times you were my silver lining in the darkest of dark situations. The constant protection and adoration has carried me through some of the HARDEST moments in my life. From the silent  but immense amount of love you've poured into my soul, to the drive you've instilled in me. For standing behind ALL of my decisions, even if you disagreed with them. For protecting my well being.....THANK YOU> Thank you for always believing in me and helping me see the woman I have become today. 

❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

To my heart. 

Thank you for allowing me to comprehend and process, openly, the secrets to REAL LOVE; unconditional love. No price tag, no strings. The ability to unequivocally nurture me and my heart back to it's original stance. Allowing me to once again enjoy the wondrous complexities life has to offer, on any spectrum. For being my cheerleader when I doubt myself. For teaching me that love requires much effort, has many faces, and embodies different emotions, settings, seasons, mentalities, strengths, and opinions. Thank you for reminding me that even when it seems non-existent, love carries much more, and can and will carry you through the roughest of storms. To you, I owe the very best of me. To you, I owe so much. My inspiration is always flowing and abundant. Thank you for sharing the humbling experience in celebrating myself, through my art. 

 

My Only

 I remember like it was yesterday

The effect you had on me

When I first saw your face

Etched it into my memory. 

How I felt to know that you noticed me. 

What I thought when I saw your smile

making our encounter that much more worthwhile. 

A feeling of contentment

Amazed at even  my near perfect senses

Rooting me to the spot, 

senseless

Leaving me to feel an unwelcome suspense

Making reality that much more relevant 

Should I approach you?

With my confidence; Strong & Proud

Or do I stand by and hope you'll see me.

Being coy, even shy, or bashful...

and YES, sometimes I can be. 

Is that just a once in a lifetime feeling? 

Or are you that one for me? 

Will you light up my world?

Or shatter me, almost instantly?

Let me be honest,

It was your smile that captured me, 

Drew me in, took me there...

BUT

I had to wonder

Could I trust you enough to care 

Would you cherish and protect me?

Are you my one and only?

Will you stand true to your word?

Is it you that's meant to be?

They way your eyes shine

The boldness I sensed in your stride

Gave me the courage I gathered to pursue you

easing the pressure of needing you to be mine! 

Your intellect, 

your deviousness

the swagg

the subtle bit of anger and pain within.

And let's not forget your brilliance of mind. 

I felt almost unworthy

Skeptical, even, if I could fir into your world. 

Thinking to myself a challenge worth the wait

or feelings too ready to meet. 

Am I ready to fall in love? 

Ready to commit to to a future with you? 

To give myself away? 

Yes....I am willing to better my life, my chances, and my happiness, with YOU!

You are more than my treasure,

more than the value of money, or fame. 

Better than the best chocolates and wine

You are my everything, my all. 

You give me new hope, 

Allow me to see things with a new set of eyes...

Expressing my heart, sharing my all, 

completely giving in.

With you, I choose to start new. 

Riding this out,

til the end, begins again.

Fate gave you to me as a gift

that will reign, & constantly rule! 

Allowing us to move, to drift. 

Be it this life or the next, 

you're my guest to conquer 

To invest  in and follow through. 

To no end, 

to no avail,

through rain sleet snow or hail.

My heart  says what's known to be true,

and that it's you, and will forever be YOU!!!!

Losing a Piece of Me

 I wasn't sure if or when I would ever be ready to talk about this. I still don't feel completely comfortable talking about it...because truthfully, I don't want to accept it. 

SO.......here goes nothing. 

I recently had the unfortunate experience this past month, with losing my mother. December 5th, 2021. 

On December 4th, a Saturday, I was at home and cooking, playing with my kids and just enjoying life. Preparing for the holiday season, and just being joyous. I should have known something was coming, because I was truly at peace, despite my situational standings at that moment. I was happy, and living in the moment.

Anywhooooooo, I received a phone call from the hospital she was at, asking me if I was her daughter, and if I knew whether or not their admitted patient was one,my mother, and two whether or not she had a DNR. (for those unaware of the term: Do Not Resecitate). At that very moment, my entire world collapsed. I had to call my father so that he could hear the conversation, because I was in tears, and panicking, and just......SHOOK, because, HOW was she here, at this moment? In that moment I had so many questions, so many concerns. I was utterly confused. I was equally angry. I was baffled. Where was the rest of my family? How did the hospital even have my number? Why where they calling ME, and I'm currently 3000 miles away???? 

The doctor proceeded to tell me that she had already coded twice(Code blue: Died), and that they were trying everything to keep her from doing it again...but in the same breath asked me to make one of the hardest decisions OVER THE PHONE and ON THE SPOT, that I have ever had the displeasure to experience in my LIFE 😓. 

I was heartbroken, and confused, and angry! My anxiety was triggered and I felt like i couldn't breathe at ALL. AND I HAD MY KIDS DAMMIT!!!! I don't think my kids had ever seen me like that before. 

Within an hour, I had recieved two more phone calls, informing me that she'd coded twice more and again asking me what I wanted to do. Do you know how hard it is to tell someone to let you mother die? To not fight anymore, to just let her go? But, those had been her wishes as long as I could remember. Those that knew her, had been around her, had grown up with me, through her, knew what she wanted. And that was exactly what she asked for. To not bring her back.

Within twenty four hours of those life altering phone calls, I flew out to California, from Savannah, and tried my damndest to get to her. Even went as far as going against my ati-vax thoughts and was trying to get vaccinated so I could go see my momma, before anything else happened. I was dealing with guilt, and added frustrations because we had not been speaking prior to her passing. I hadn't spoken to my mother in a little over a month. We fell out over something so stupid! ALL of that was running rapidly through my head, My heart was hurting so bad. Everything we had said to each other was ringing constantly in my ears, It was deafening!!!!!!!!!

Unfortunately, I didn't make it, to her, before she passed. I got that final call from the hospital informing me to gather the family, so that we could at least say our final goodbyes. Nobody went but me and my Uncle, her older brother. ANd I was too late! My mother passed, alone. By herself, with nobody there. Even now, I still ask myself what could I have done differently. What more could have been said, or done for me to have just a few moments with her. I should have visited more. I should have gotten over my anger faster. I should have never left California in the first place. I should have been a better daughter. I should have been there. I felt so shitty. I felt so bad. I was lost. Still am. 

Yall, I still feel so guilty. I feel like a fool. I feel like a complete failure!!!!!!! And I miss her so much. I wake up and scare myself sometimes, because I see so much of her in me. AM I okay? No. I'm hurt, because she will never meet either of her grandkids (my two and my sister's daughter). I'm upset that she stopped fighting. I'm mad as hell she was taken from me before we could rebuild the relationship I've always wanted with my mother. It's hard not having the mother and daughter relationship I see others have. It's harder now, knowing I will NEVER have it, though it's comforting to know that she IS with me spiritually. It also is a comfort that I can give MY daughter what I didn't have. And I fight like hell everyday to make sure she will keep that. 

It's so hard to keep the tears from coming, even now. My kids don't understand why I just suddenly burst into tears. My son keeps telling me to "Stop crying" which makes me cry even more. It's maddening to feel so alone through this entire ordeal. It's scary to wake up and know that a piece of me is missing. It's hard. 

But I have to. For her memory, for my kids, and for myself. I gotta keep it together. 

Losing a parent, a relative, a friend, a child is hard. Death was very abundant last year. And it's only a natural part of life's cycle. It's been part of me, all my life, in more ways than one. This particular death, was, IS completely unexpected, and completely different to deal with. I lost my mother. Someone who could have been my best friend. Someone I could have shared many new memories with! Someone who I wanted my kids to know, for their benefit. 

Now, I have to create lasting memories for them, through my memories, my stories. It's so UNREAL!!!! 

Rest Well, My Angel.

. 

In Loving Memory of Karen Yvette Nettles. Daughter, Mother, Sister, Coach. She will forever Be Missed 🕊

Real Life Hood Love

Let me tell you

I bet you know 

How this shit goes down 

This story being told 

Niggas think they can step to you

Bitches talking outta they way

like the shit they reppin'

is something they HAVE to say. 

They demand respect, 

Getin all rowdy and loud, 

Ready to claim what ain't earned, 

& will ice out the next bitch,

steady running they mouth,

But quick to shout, "Lesson learned." 

Baby mamas semi-ballin'

Cuzzes and folks set callin'

Running game, settin' up hoods

Makin shit look sweet, 

Steady sayin, "It's all good"

Much blood has been shed, 

and too many tears have been cried, 

Shit always devided by enemy and turf lines. 

Playin' a game by givin false hope,

Makin' "Thugg Lyfe" a way to live

But in reality, no holdin' no ropes. 

Fuck you lil homie, 

What you want wit me? 

Cause when it's all said and done,

this mam belong to da streets. 

IM ain't worried 'bout you

Or what you can offer me,

Cuz at the end of the day,

Im just lookin' out fa me. 

Trying to hard to live my life right, 

Giving all the praise to live through Christ

I've done all I can,

Ain't got SHIT else to give;

Hell, let it the fuck go,

Grow up, it's time to really live. 

Funny, though, how you confess your love for me

Playin' both sides, equivically, 

A shame, that I realize, 

I'll always be alone, 

Saddened more by the thought, 

that THAT'S become my comfort zone. 

Content wit  my choice, 

and like you, as cold as stone. 

Yet, you claim to be real

HA! I don't see that! 

You'd rather live by watching the next die

Fed up with ths feeling

being played, almost dying inside. 

Stay selling them false hopes, 

Being misguiding, untruthful, unfaithful

just fuckin' pathetic

Having no worries,

No cares

nada fuck, or  a clue;

See, when a man's game is being played..

Guess what? 

I can play, too! 

I'm done though,

it's a wrap,

Cut it loose! 

No more worryin' no stress

I'm done with this shit, fool! 

Giving up this dead ass life,

wanting much more than what it can give, 

Searching for equal opportunity, 

A chance at immunity, 

Cause if i stay down for the cause, bruh, 

you get what you give, 

A fucked up community! 

So, with that being said....

Go, do what you do, 

Say what you need to say, 

But listen....and understand...

When I'm gone, and you hungry, 

Just know you made it this way! 

How To Discipline a Child

 Hey Y'all, I got a question? 

(Yall know its serious when its in plain script and nothing about this post is fancy or cute!)

How do you successfully reprimand a three year old, who has had everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING stripped from him, from toys to special privileges, to time outside to play!? 

Mind you, I am a single mother of two. I am currently trying to successfully (wishful thinking) divide my time between him and my one year old daughter. 

Of course, I understand that he  may want mommy's attention, he may be acting out, he may be jealous.....all reasons to consider, right? 

But, even when I do spend time with him, or try to devote teaching mechanisms for him to learn, grasp, understand, etc....this little boy finds a way to set me off. 

"Have patience" "Breathe" "Pray"....I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR IT!!!!!! I have whooped, popped, (tried) to scare the shit out of him, yelled....NOTHING WORKS!!!!! 

I KEEP getting, "He's a boy, let him be...that's what they do" 👀  or "He's three, he doesn't know any better!" 

My ASS he doesn't know wtf he's doing! Any time you wait til the ENTIRE house is sleep to sneak downstairs into the kitchen, climb INTO the pantry, and sneak snacks back upstairs and into your room to eat (AFTER) you've eaten two ADULT sized plates of food.....

LIKE HELP!!!!!!! FRFR I'm going to lose my MIND dealing with this little boy! 

OPEN TO ANY AND ALL SUGGESTIONS!!!!!!

When They Can't handle You

 Have you ever stopped to ask yourself why any of your relationships never work? 

Has it ever crossed your mind that maybe it's something you do, or rather, don't do? 

Let me be the first to tell you, STOP THINKING IT"S YOU< BECAUSE IT"S NOT!!!!!!!!!

I have been in enough relationships to finally understand that if they cannot deal with your mouth, your attitude, your resistance to their bullshit, your level of tolerance to lies, deceit, dishonesty, disloyalty, or dishonor, the FUCK EM'!!!! Fuck their selfishness, their childishness, their mindset.....fuck em! Cause you could waste that type of energy o yourself! Your mental health, your durability (especially if you are a mother...YOUR KIDS COME FIRST!!!!)

Men and women to a degree, think alike. YES, women are more emotional....studies have overly proven that. But, they (and by they I mean those that are too self centered to understand the reality of any situation), they don't understand the concept of "Every action gets a reaction."  And that reaction is determined by how dumb, stupid, or retarded the actual action was. 

It's a sick and twisted lifestyle we endure, (though mostly by choice)

But still....

does anyone else understand this, or where I'm coming from? 

Mommy Moments

 Question? 

How do you deal with a three year old that just won't STOP!!!!!!!! 

No, seriously. I have taken away all of his toys, I send him to his room, I put him in time outs, he doesn't get treats and little prizes anymore. I stopped including him in all the "fun" activities. Everything that a three year old should have, or enjoy, I have 

I have a one year old (girl), so all I ever hear is, "Oh he's just misbehaving because he wants mommy's attention!" NEWSFLASH........ I am a single mother to the both of them. I can't even properly take care of myself when I'm sick, because I have to make sure that he isn't trying to kill himself, or his baby sister! I want to pull my hair out most days, and other days, the cool, calm and happy energy doesn't even last because he's always into something! 

On top of the fact that my one year old is so damn spoiled and a crybaby that it drives me crazy. She cries about not getting picked up; she cries when I am eating ANYTHING, and I don't give it to her...like, what am I supposed to do I want to pull my hair out, scream, and cry most days, because I am TRULY tired and fed up! 

ANY positive advice is truly welcomed! Please and thank you1

Disclaimer: Please do NOT come on my page with any negative comments or responses stating that it's my fault, I wouldn't be going through this if I hadn't of gotten pregnant, or I should have chosen a better father for my children. Who expects to go through raising a child by themselves? Who expects to be abandoned, or to figure it out on their own? Or my personal favorite, " I know he's good with you, so I don't worry about it....but if you don't open your mouth and ask, how am I supposed to know?"

 

A Little Something for the Ladies

Just to clear things up...A lot of times when a woman is finally done with a long term relationship the man’s very first thoughts are “she found someone else" or “how could she do this 😡“ all this time together“ and so much more, BUT what some men don’t think about is all the times she went to sleep feeling like crap because of all the times that he disrespected her or how he kept saying he would change but never did...Men don’t think about all the times she was there when no one else was. How she prayed to help him change. Men don’t think about how she always put everyone and everything before herself. Men don’t think about how all her friends and family told her to walk away but she still stayed. No...all men can think is “who is she with now” ...women don’t just wake up one day and decide to be done. A mans actions, his words, the way he makes her feel builds up over time and eventually all his crap becomes this weight that she just can’t carry anymore. When she stops venting to you, when she stops getting on you, when she stops trying to get you to see things her way just know it’s not because you won and finally she’ll put up with everything, it’s because she’s preparing her escape from your toxic ways. So no she didn’t walk away to find someone else . She left so she can find HERSELF. 👌

Appreciate your woman while you have her fellas... Because she will get the courage to walk away one day.

Accepting The Truth

Let's be real. The truth is what everyone wants, right? A free and clear path of open communication and transparency. The ability to come forward with a feeling, or a thought; the ability to openly express oneself to another seems quite simple, right? Being THAT honest, however, isn't as easy as the vast majority may think, or are led to believe. Honesty, is a really difficult choice to make, for many of people, for an abundance of different reason. A very heavy, but life altering choice. Being honest can hurt or change the dynamic of any situation. It can expose the truth, expose a situation for what is real versus what isn't, for some. For others, it can become a deeply messy war, due to exposure, or an "enlightening." For the 'lucky" or "fortunate" ones, its a segue, or clearer path, to the next phase. Its harmony, a sense of release, and prosperity. Truth isn't as simplistic as the ideal itself may seem. It causes harm, and frustration no matter what. Because the person receiving the unspoken truth(s), that may be living it, or experiencing it, still has to deal with the impending or unforeseen consequences, or circumstances, thereafter. While the person speaking it, feels better, or relieved, that the burdening weight of what needed to be said, or shown, is no longer in a bad space, spiritually, or otherwise.

 

Have you ever experienced a significant event(s) that changed the course of your day, week, month, year, or just life, in general? Have you ever experienced one moment that changes your view or feelings about someone or something? A change so significant that it alters your way of thinking, living, or even simple functionality? Has there ever been a moment in your life that you wish you could go back and revisit? Maybe change, or reroute? Living, day to day, thinking about one moment, one incident, one situation, becomes a torment, a prison, a barrier. It becomes a nuisance, or an illness that you want to get rid of, but just can’t. Something that you can no longer live with, but fear to live without, or part from, because the outcome of doing so may be completely different than what you picture in your mind. No matter how wrong it was, it was the truth, but you were silenced. Even though, it was taught, and reitterated, that being honest is the only way to move successfully in the world. Funnily enough, I am grateful for this though. That one moment, that one event, that one memory, completely changed the course and direction of my life, my future, my purpose. My intentions, now, are not NEARLY the same, as they were, then. It forever holds a huge space in my mind. BUT, because of it, my life has been and unimaginable roller coaster of triumph, pain, frustration, happiness, discomfort, and renewed faith, hope, and love.

I am my own hero. I am HER. I am a survivor