I wasn't sure if or when I would ever be ready to talk about this. I still don't feel completely comfortable talking about it...because truthfully, I don't want to accept it.
SO.......here goes nothing.
I recently had the unfortunate experience this past month, with losing my mother. December 5th, 2021.
On December 4th, a Saturday, I was at home and cooking, playing with my kids and just enjoying life. Preparing for the holiday season, and just being joyous. I should have known something was coming, because I was truly at peace, despite my situational standings at that moment. I was happy, and living in the moment.
Anywhooooooo, I received a phone call from the hospital she was at, asking me if I was her daughter, and if I knew whether or not their admitted patient was one,my mother, and two whether or not she had a DNR. (for those unaware of the term: Do Not Resecitate). At that very moment, my entire world collapsed. I had to call my father so that he could hear the conversation, because I was in tears, and panicking, and just......SHOOK, because, HOW was she here, at this moment? In that moment I had so many questions, so many concerns. I was utterly confused. I was equally angry. I was baffled. Where was the rest of my family? How did the hospital even have my number? Why where they calling ME, and I'm currently 3000 miles away????
The doctor proceeded to tell me that she had already coded twice(Code blue: Died), and that they were trying everything to keep her from doing it again...but in the same breath asked me to make one of the hardest decisions OVER THE PHONE and ON THE SPOT, that I have ever had the displeasure to experience in my LIFE 😓.
I was heartbroken, and confused, and angry! My anxiety was triggered and I felt like i couldn't breathe at ALL. AND I HAD MY KIDS DAMMIT!!!! I don't think my kids had ever seen me like that before.
Within an hour, I had recieved two more phone calls, informing me that she'd coded twice more and again asking me what I wanted to do. Do you know how hard it is to tell someone to let you mother die? To not fight anymore, to just let her go? But, those had been her wishes as long as I could remember. Those that knew her, had been around her, had grown up with me, through her, knew what she wanted. And that was exactly what she asked for. To not bring her back.
Within twenty four hours of those life altering phone calls, I flew out to California, from Savannah, and tried my damndest to get to her. Even went as far as going against my ati-vax thoughts and was trying to get vaccinated so I could go see my momma, before anything else happened. I was dealing with guilt, and added frustrations because we had not been speaking prior to her passing. I hadn't spoken to my mother in a little over a month. We fell out over something so stupid! ALL of that was running rapidly through my head, My heart was hurting so bad. Everything we had said to each other was ringing constantly in my ears, It was deafening!!!!!!!!!
Unfortunately, I didn't make it, to her, before she passed. I got that final call from the hospital informing me to gather the family, so that we could at least say our final goodbyes. Nobody went but me and my Uncle, her older brother. ANd I was too late! My mother passed, alone. By herself, with nobody there. Even now, I still ask myself what could I have done differently. What more could have been said, or done for me to have just a few moments with her. I should have visited more. I should have gotten over my anger faster. I should have never left California in the first place. I should have been a better daughter. I should have been there. I felt so shitty. I felt so bad. I was lost. Still am.
Yall, I still feel so guilty. I feel like a fool. I feel like a complete failure!!!!!!! And I miss her so much. I wake up and scare myself sometimes, because I see so much of her in me. AM I okay? No. I'm hurt, because she will never meet either of her grandkids (my two and my sister's daughter). I'm upset that she stopped fighting. I'm mad as hell she was taken from me before we could rebuild the relationship I've always wanted with my mother. It's hard not having the mother and daughter relationship I see others have. It's harder now, knowing I will NEVER have it, though it's comforting to know that she IS with me spiritually. It also is a comfort that I can give MY daughter what I didn't have. And I fight like hell everyday to make sure she will keep that.
It's so hard to keep the tears from coming, even now. My kids don't understand why I just suddenly burst into tears. My son keeps telling me to "Stop crying" which makes me cry even more. It's maddening to feel so alone through this entire ordeal. It's scary to wake up and know that a piece of me is missing. It's hard.
But I have to. For her memory, for my kids, and for myself. I gotta keep it together.
Losing a parent, a relative, a friend, a child is hard. Death was very abundant last year. And it's only a natural part of life's cycle. It's been part of me, all my life, in more ways than one. This particular death, was, IS completely unexpected, and completely different to deal with. I lost my mother. Someone who could have been my best friend. Someone I could have shared many new memories with! Someone who I wanted my kids to know, for their benefit.
Now, I have to create lasting memories for them, through my memories, my stories. It's so UNREAL!!!!
Rest Well, My Angel.
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In Loving Memory of Karen Yvette Nettles. Daughter, Mother, Sister, Coach. She will forever Be Missed 🕊