Disappointment and Heartache

 I truthfully don't understand why it is so hard for people to be open and honest. 

I do not understand why it is difficult to give what they expect. 

I truthfully do not get why it is so hard to vocalize what you feel and what you think. 

Then again, maybe I am the one who just doesn't get it. 

Maybe I am wrong. 

Maybe....I am the problem.

It's hard to love someone...or something....HARD, for it to not give you 

what it is you seek in return. Then, when and IF, you do receive it, it's a fraction of what you've 

almost expired giving out. There is little to no feeling behind it

The meaning is lackluster

The point is dull, or non-existent.  

I wish it was easier,

better than before. 

I assumed working through this, 

would make you want this even more. 

I never considered, or imagined you'd be bored

from the love and devotion I give, 

I assumed you'd want more and more. 

Oh, how wrong I was. 

Not seeing the light shine bright in your eyes

The change  in how you'd embrace me....

cold, distant, and adrift at see....

why is it that you keep running from what is meant to be?

Claiming your love for someone

To crave them, 

need them, 

want them, 

pray for them in secure silence.....

only to push them away is wrong

How could you do that to someone who's waited this long?

The sheer joy I wanted you to have for us

the wholeness and feeling complete...

I know where I messed up,

I shouldn't have invited you to share my sheets. 

Never did I imagine you'd break my heart this way, 

And take away the rhythm 

slowing up my hearts true song, 

destroying the cadence of our heartbeat.     

I'm lost

searching for answers to questions that are now incomplete

Losing myself again in love, 

That seems to never be for me. 

Refocusing

Misused, cast aside, left alone to be. 

Captured by words, blinded and couldn't see.

Caught up in feelings and unsure of myself

Neglecting the importance of things like education and health. 

Focused on glamour, trying to keep with the pace

Not stopping to admire a once beautiful space. 

Running against time, hurrying to finish a well placed race. 

With life rushing past me, I finally stop, but cannot recognize my own own face. 

Blackened with hate, driven by hurt. 

Dimmed at some point, by mountains of pain, 

Disappointed to say the least, 

No love to admire, or memories to indulge...

just dark deep pain, and icy cold rain. 

Then my world began to change,

the flowers, bright and colorful, 

the air free and light! 

A Life anew, something to crave and uphold. 

Th be daring, and sexy,

the Most confident BOLD

To move forward and flourish, tho shine, to float and be free. 

The chance to be filled with joy, 

No longer running to fill a void. 

The ability to stay on one path and move with ease, 

is the best feeling to accompany with poise and grace, 

to say the least! 

My Only

 I remember like it was yesterday

The effect you had on me

When I first saw your face

Etched it into my memory. 

How I felt to know that you noticed me. 

What I thought when I saw your smile

making our encounter that much more worthwhile. 

A feeling of contentment

Amazed at even  my near perfect senses

Rooting me to the spot, 

senseless

Leaving me to feel an unwelcome suspense

Making reality that much more relevant 

Should I approach you?

With my confidence; Strong & Proud

Or do I stand by and hope you'll see me.

Being coy, even shy, or bashful...

and YES, sometimes I can be. 

Is that just a once in a lifetime feeling? 

Or are you that one for me? 

Will you light up my world?

Or shatter me, almost instantly?

Let me be honest,

It was your smile that captured me, 

Drew me in, took me there...

BUT

I had to wonder

Could I trust you enough to care 

Would you cherish and protect me?

Are you my one and only?

Will you stand true to your word?

Is it you that's meant to be?

They way your eyes shine

The boldness I sensed in your stride

Gave me the courage I gathered to pursue you

easing the pressure of needing you to be mine! 

Your intellect, 

your deviousness

the swagg

the subtle bit of anger and pain within.

And let's not forget your brilliance of mind. 

I felt almost unworthy

Skeptical, even, if I could fir into your world. 

Thinking to myself a challenge worth the wait

or feelings too ready to meet. 

Am I ready to fall in love? 

Ready to commit to to a future with you? 

To give myself away? 

Yes....I am willing to better my life, my chances, and my happiness, with YOU!

You are more than my treasure,

more than the value of money, or fame. 

Better than the best chocolates and wine

You are my everything, my all. 

You give me new hope, 

Allow me to see things with a new set of eyes...

Expressing my heart, sharing my all, 

completely giving in.

With you, I choose to start new. 

Riding this out,

til the end, begins again.

Fate gave you to me as a gift

that will reign, & constantly rule! 

Allowing us to move, to drift. 

Be it this life or the next, 

you're my guest to conquer 

To invest  in and follow through. 

To no end, 

to no avail,

through rain sleet snow or hail.

My heart  says what's known to be true,

and that it's you, and will forever be YOU!!!!

Words from Charles Spurgeon

"The springs of my faith and all my graces; the springs of my life, and all of my pleasures;

The Springs of my activities, 
and all of it's right doings
The Springs of my Hope 
and it's Heavenly anticipations 
all lie in the Lord, My Friend!"

Lean not on your own understanding,

But seek HIS will in ALL you do. 

He will direct your path 

Allow HIM to guide you 

Allow HIM to set His paths of progress for you and

not with your own.

 

Revisiting An Old Thing

Sometimes

Love can be real simple

New feelings, the butterflies

different sensations and ideas

trying times and heartache

harsh words, lonely nights.

There are times that are filled with hope

and good laughter

Others, that are great with unspoken faith filled with comforting embraces

Soft caresses, 

simple joys...

I often ask myself where I'd be without your

deep kisses and longing hugs.

To me, baby, you are the best kind of drug 

Missing you always

becomes a real sensation to face 

Avoiding the hurt, lonliness, and pain

That love will sometimes bring

Many times of praises to sing. 

Awaiting the day that our passions 

will once again, embrace. 

When I'm around you, 

I draw from your strength.

The faith you rely on, 

to steadily push you forward

Living in each moment with beauty,

you embody. 

Secrets that are safe...

Given to me with your heart 

Loving you is a dream

wonderous 

magical, 

even more fulfilling.....

No better person to share my heart with 

or that gives me a gloriously complete feeling. 

Yes, I have been hurt before. 

Yes I fear the pain of rejection. 

No, I do not feel that i am not safe with you, BUT

I am completely aware 

Trying to fix the past

and move on with what matters most. 

Our happiness at best.

With you

I see a future, our family, 

our love, our life. 

An eternity, that lasts. 

My Rose

 An itch to be scratched

A want never to be subsided

A poison I crave intensely.

Leading slyly towards the fire smoldering inside;

A sadistic need to be fed

An obsession to hungrily feed.

Baby,

It's your body I crave

your love I need,

Your skin against mine,

sets my heart throbbing, oh yea

and I tell you now

there's no need to guess it

the way we dance is a blessing

And the best I've ever had yet! 

Leaving me utterly speechless

Hunting, readily, set on the prowl

The desire I feel growing more and more by the hour

Yet,

Your eyes tell it all, 

as  they are the soul from within

and as your hand sears my skin

Branding your essence over and over again...

We've drive consistenly, racing against the beat

Sweating from the pressure around us 

that looms 

increasing between us the mounting heat. 

Set by us on the intimacy of a room

Your name becomes my chant, demanding more, the best of the best...

Knowing we'd burn

for the all consuming sin. 

Not once, not twice, but thirds, fourths, and fifths..

I sequester myself to your sizzling, satisfying, and never ending gift.

I admit, there's this fetish I have

that sends chills down my spine

And makes me throb just knowing

that you are ONLY mine. 

My deepest fantasy,

a truth

My darkest wish

Now, a reality...

My secret dream to hold near

In only you I relish

Not fear. 

Real Life Hood Love

Let me tell you

I bet you know 

How this shit goes down 

This story being told 

Niggas think they can step to you

Bitches talking outta they way

like the shit they reppin'

is something they HAVE to say. 

They demand respect, 

Getin all rowdy and loud, 

Ready to claim what ain't earned, 

& will ice out the next bitch,

steady running they mouth,

But quick to shout, "Lesson learned." 

Baby mamas semi-ballin'

Cuzzes and folks set callin'

Running game, settin' up hoods

Makin shit look sweet, 

Steady sayin, "It's all good"

Much blood has been shed, 

and too many tears have been cried, 

Shit always devided by enemy and turf lines. 

Playin' a game by givin false hope,

Makin' "Thugg Lyfe" a way to live

But in reality, no holdin' no ropes. 

Fuck you lil homie, 

What you want wit me? 

Cause when it's all said and done,

this mam belong to da streets. 

IM ain't worried 'bout you

Or what you can offer me,

Cuz at the end of the day,

Im just lookin' out fa me. 

Trying to hard to live my life right, 

Giving all the praise to live through Christ

I've done all I can,

Ain't got SHIT else to give;

Hell, let it the fuck go,

Grow up, it's time to really live. 

Funny, though, how you confess your love for me

Playin' both sides, equivically, 

A shame, that I realize, 

I'll always be alone, 

Saddened more by the thought, 

that THAT'S become my comfort zone. 

Content wit  my choice, 

and like you, as cold as stone. 

Yet, you claim to be real

HA! I don't see that! 

You'd rather live by watching the next die

Fed up with ths feeling

being played, almost dying inside. 

Stay selling them false hopes, 

Being misguiding, untruthful, unfaithful

just fuckin' pathetic

Having no worries,

No cares

nada fuck, or  a clue;

See, when a man's game is being played..

Guess what? 

I can play, too! 

I'm done though,

it's a wrap,

Cut it loose! 

No more worryin' no stress

I'm done with this shit, fool! 

Giving up this dead ass life,

wanting much more than what it can give, 

Searching for equal opportunity, 

A chance at immunity, 

Cause if i stay down for the cause, bruh, 

you get what you give, 

A fucked up community! 

So, with that being said....

Go, do what you do, 

Say what you need to say, 

But listen....and understand...

When I'm gone, and you hungry, 

Just know you made it this way! 

Fears

Running from your shadow

Hiding out from hard times

Deceived by the ones you most love

Often misused and temptingly tried. 

Listening to the cries

withering in the pain

Exhausted from all the running, 

of dodging bullets, and playing games.

The fear of failure

of falling behind

of being too careful

and half ass blind.

Listening intently to subjects unclear

remaining focused on facts

while burrowing in your past. 

You suddenly realize you're drawing steadily closer

to the demons from your past. 

Fear, no doubt, runs through us all,

as chilled as winter ice, 

A numbing sensation of chiller blasts

unmounted fails, 

but still very necessary variant of life. 

The fear of loving,

of giving a single person your all, 

of watching your back

trying desperately to not drop the ball. 

Times of joy,

darkened immediately with hate, 

blackened by greed,

smeared with lust

and mixed with pain

Changes one's perception of time, 

giving no real end date. 

A sign of weakness

A seal of doom

Living in fear, 

As one draws closer to you 

Living bravely with this pain

the cause and effect,

A purpose without much gain. 

Running from your heart

Hiding from your flaws

Those are the prominent signs, 

and the looks begin to tell it all. 

A condemning feeling

what fear often is

A void with no pit,

one to live with but never see. 

Can you actually hear me? 

DO you understand?

These words I am speaking to you

Human to human? 

It's felt when you love,

absent when you lose

brought to test your inner strength

Not a feeling one would aim to chose.

The fear in faults

the painstaking blame

the brutality of sorrow

the destruction of doubt and shame.

Fear. A four letter word. 

A monster in disguise

An emotion based on.....noting...but still relevant and present one in the same. 

Fear is nothing but a an ideal of self-doubt, 

which stems from the uncertainties cast upon oneself from the unfortunate thoughts of others. 

Fear caters to merely the convictions of shame, pity, sorrow, grief, obsessions, hate, and sometimes anger. 

Through fear breeds love, and from love blooms mercy. Those who grant mercy truly understand the act of love hidden beneath fear. 

Honesty vs. Pride

Sometimes, your first mind can stop you from doing something crazy, enabling your second to coherce a conspiracy. Operating solely on a chance, alone, praying against the odds for the undone. Terrified by things I've said, and hung on things we've shared, I'm replaying images of us, wanting desperately to move steadily ahead. Stuck on stupid, high on love, being fed by passion, your life...my drug. Back and forth, through ups and downs, slow at pushing issues, moving forward, towards higher ground. Instances rushed, passing secrets, sharing in sin, keeping my mind from settling, feeling like a a washed up has been. Seasons changing, with mindsets, too, having setbacks and troubles, wanting desperately to share them with you. Infatuated and curious, living only on pride, it's easy to cover what's being harbored inside. Though pain can be shared, and spite will be brought, my love overpowers, any one negative thought. Borderline psycho, playing sane, never really legit, now is the time to stand tall, to be more than adequite. I ride forever, my commitment, an oath flying high for all to see, with nowhere really to go, but much to freely see. With time flying by dancing within dreams and all that shit, systematically speaking, becoming a single fused heartbeat, none to quietly to speak. It's inevitable to hide it, to act on or falsely claim, that our love hasn't been anything, but to you a human game. WE are one in the very same, though I am more mature, and able to accept the truth that you cannot withstand. You and I, we are the same, single fucked up individual, looking to find love, it's true. You are my soulmate that I'll never have, but that I will forever claim.

 

 

 

Note To God

                                                                    If I wrote a note to God

I'd be clueless of what to say

Would i begin with my troubles?

How true to myself would I stay? 

If I wrote a note to God. 

If I wrote a note to God,

should i mention the things of my past, 

things that he should already see, 

should have already known? 

May I ask if it's alright to feel this way?

To feel like a little girl, 

entrapped in a life she did not ask for!

Undervalued, unappreciated, and steadily pushed away...

If I wrote a note to God.

Going through the things that I have,

the unimaginable, unforeseen, and unrealistic, 

constantly surrounded by shadows of the unhappy, 

the wails of the patronized, 

the pain of the forgotten...bathed in the shallow pool of hate; 

If I wrote a note to God, 

would he continuously make me wait? 

If I wrote a note to God

would't it be purely in vain?

Aren't I supposed to call upon his name? 

He, the the ever Almighty, 

whom clears all suffering and pain! 

Though, when I call,, 

its nothing to give but disparity and shame!

If I wrote a note to God

If I wrote him this note, 

unleashing my burdens and fears, 

letting go of my inner inhibitions and tears

What will it uncover? 

Will it solve anything, starting with the most recent years? 

Will  it erase are the heartache or the disappointment 

I feel each day

the nagging of forever being inhibited 

and a lonely outcast?

If i wrote a note to God

I'd ask him straight out, 

"Why wasn't my soul saved at birth?" 

"Why was I made to survive this hell of Earth, 

since the day my host gave birth?"

If I chose to finally express everything, 

let everything out,

he'd be speechless because of my outrageously loud doubts. 

It's really no laughing matter, 

I'm speaking truth upon facts, 

My God would be so ashamed of the Faith that I lack. 

All I'm asking for,

is renewed strength and a different route.

Life has it's problems,

has it's burdens to bear

But the simple revelation and realization is...

He said He'd ALWAYS be there. 

If I wrote a note to God

He'd already know how far I've come

He's say, "Daughter, I've watched you battle this out,

I've heard your cries, and felt your pain.

I've healed you from your losses, and steered you from your troubles,

now it's time to accept my love, and flourish beyond this lifetime."

He'd be extremely proud

of the courage i took for me to speak, 

and understand that to him, this warrior is far from weak. 

If I wrote a note to God, 

it would be spoken from the heart, 

A letter of growth and maturity,

one to hold close to his heart. 

For I am his Angel, 

one to be cherished, valued, and respected. 

I am a guardian upon Earth, 

Forever blessed, beyond protected, and most certainly kept, 

If I wrote a note to God, 

He'd tell me simply

Please don't stop, my dear, 

I'm proud of all your hard work.

Don't give up, don't you dare stop,

you're important to my design,

Keep going until you reach the TOP!

If I wrote a note to God, 

I'd thank him for all that he's done,

all that he's gotten me, and for as far as I've come, 

My letter to Him, would be a simple note.

One of graciousness, and gratitude

love, honor and respect. 

It's because of his Love, 

I'm forever in his debt. 

If I wrote a note ton God. 

Cali