Does anyone else suffer from or afraid of speaking up when they are supposed to....but find or have no issue speaking up/going off when it's not needed, or just not the right time/mood/scene/scenario?
I absolutely, unequivocally, and absolutely knowingly suffer from "word vomit" (If you know where this is from, hi, how does it feel to be this old?)
Okay, so recently, like withing the last three or four years, I have had some tug and pull about how much of an asshole i can be,, or how intimidating and mean i come off to others when they first meet me or speak to me. Note, I am a highly intellectual and prominent speaker, mixed with a whole lot of attitude, tenacity, or just a simple but felt positive charge.
I basically tell it like it is, but with little or no remorse in the delivery. (I wasn't always this way......long ago I just went with what I was told to do, act, or say. I had no spine. But I had no spine either).
As I got older, and realized that after a certain chain of events had occurred, I began to realize that the longer I kept my mouth shut about things, and continued to let others speak for me, to cover things up and pretend, the more I realized what was going on around me wasn't right, or to me, it didn't feel right.
The very first time I spoke what I felt, when I thought about it, and was feeling it, and MEANT it, without taking it back, apologizing for it, or being reprimanded for saying it, was the most amazing experience of my entire life. (Well, up until that point.) Liberation doesn't even come close tom how I felt in that moment. From then on, I decided that regardless of how it may sound or how it would translate, I would speak my mind and stand with it.
Of course, now being older, and being a parent, and having experienced this approach in the work force, and in life in general, I now realize that it takes some conditioning, and some filters, and a whole lot of self restraint, to properly display or speak how you feel.