Hey yall, wassup?
Sitting up, thinking. And I've come to the conclusion, that no matter how hard you try to break your back and give to others, whether its what they require, what they ask of you, or just being what you're willing to give of yourself, they, them, those people, are NEVER satisfied, or seems to be equally hard to satisfy.
I am brought to this conclusion, by just simply taking a step back and re-evaluating all of my past relationships, be it romantic or just metaphysical. I've had some friendships fade also because I won't give them more of me, or won't be allowed to be run ragged, to their liking or satisfaction.
It sucks being one who is so willing to love and give of my love, when I am not able to receive the same in return. All I want is for someone to see me, and understand me, for me. Not what I can do for them. Not what I can give of myself, or take from myself. It's starting to feel like people want the genuine happiness I fight daily to keep a hold of, because they truly are not happy with themselves.
I admit almost all the time that I am not perfect. I don't want to be, though. I am perfectly capable of fucking up, and trying again to be successful. But that comes with trial and error. I am supposed to mess up in order to learn from it. At that point, I am able to apply what was taken from the situation and avoid having to deal with it again. (At least, that's what is supposed to happen).
In my lifetime, I have seen and dealt with a BUNCH of con artists, users, liars, troublemakers, grown ass babies, lazy and nasty low lifes.....like...WHY? Why does my being, which is of abundant love, life, and light, attract so many evil, dark, twisted, and downright ugly spirits?
I get that my purpose is to help others, but can we factor in that the time it takes to help others who refuse to help themselves, is tiring, taxing, and mentally exhausting? It makes me proud to know that others can take away something that they've learned after being around me, but sheesh! What's a female gotta do to get the same energy, in return? Why is it so easy for someone to pick me out of a group of others, and just drag me....like it's the easiest thing to do?
What do I mean by drag? I mean that they invade my personal thoughts by pretending to care. Pretending to relate to me, pretending to understand my mindset, pretending to feel what I feel. It's sick that people will tell you what they think you want to hear, just to get in good, and then CANNOT keep up the facade. It's also very challenging to trust those that mean me no harm, because I feel as though everyone has a motive to destroy my mental; I'll do whatever it takes to prevent and protect that. At this point, it's all I have left.
On the flip side, I cannot put all the blame on everyone else, because I allow myself to be so open, too open. THAT comes from being tired of being in the dark, and alone. I enjoy being transparent because I have nothing to hide. Why pretend? Why shy away? To protect myself? To protect my children? The purpose of living, is to experience, and grow from what you've already lived through, right? Life makes you, and molds you. BUT, there are limits, and there are certain boundaries. I just cannot understand why be phony or untrue with someone (me) who isn't at all fake or misleading with others.
Anyway, I have learned that with all of this, the underlying objective, is to continue being me...loving myself....protecting myself, and my children. Yes, I want someone dedicated to me and mine, but in order for that to happen, they have to be open and honest with themselves. They have to be prepared to endure the good with the bad. They have to be confident enough to handle themselves accordingly, as well as take care of the added responsibilities that I come with.
I don't want the wrong attraction, nor am I looking for a toxic encounter. Be real with me from jump, and you'll get a lot farther with a lot less stress on your back. I'm really easy to handle. And it only takes Love, Loyalty and respect.