How do I see myself as a Survivor?
I'm present. I am able to reflect. I am able to tell my story. I am able to say that I am a survivor. I survived major emotional, mental, verbal, and physical abuse, by the hands of my mother, who for personal reasons, shall remain nameless. She is already dealing with her punishments, and karma. No need to further deepen her misery. I earned my title. I earned my position. I earned the right to advocate for those who weren't, couldn't, and can't. I am a survivor because I fought to be!
Surviving abuse of any kind is extremely difficult. Every individual's response to coping, or surviving, is also very different. It's very traumatic, very stressful, very life altering. Domestic Abuse is nothing short of being a prisoner to someones rage, anxiety, stress, and and/or depression. imagine living in a situation where it is dished everyday, all day, for 15+ years. Imagine having to live with someone who's personality was hot (or good) one day, and the exact opposite (cold), the next. Imagine having to wake up every day, to the mental and verbal bashing from someone you instinctively PROTECT you from harm; keep you safe. Instead, they became the reason you sought refuge in so many other people, places, or things. The terror of not knowing when any given day, could be your last day. The humiliation of being lied on, falsely accused of actions you never took part in, heard of, or experienced. The shock of letting someone who wasn't your parent, put their hands on you, and sat and did nothing. There are so many instances where I nearly lost my life, It's so disheartening, to have to deal with that, every waking moment, of every single day, for over 15 years. Could you handle it? Can you imagine the pain and suffering?
For reasons STILL unknown to me, I was the guinea pig for my mother's actions, beginning at the age of 8, and still, sort of deal with them, today. I have done nothing short of wanting to be the best child to her; for her since then. Unfortunate;y, even with the conversations, apologies, arguments, and consistent fabricated, I've had to pull myself out of the trenches and move forward in my life. Relationships have been destroyed, tried and tested, because of this, trust issues are deeply in place, with any and everyone I come into contact with; it's really hard to let anyone in, including the rest of my family.
Choosing to be a survivor means no longer being scared to speak up, or out. Being a survivor means no longer hiding in the shadows, blaming myself for what happened to me. (otherwise known as victimizing ones self). Taking on the responsibility to advocate for those too scared to speak on their own trauma, allows me to shift the dynamic of the situation, giving a different, more powerful light, to the darkest situations some experience. Everyone's situation is different. Everyone's story doesn't have a happy ending. There are situations that ABSOLUTELY cannot escape Domestic Violence. Whether it is from a parent, spouse, sibling, guardian, etc.
For me, because I am able to, and because I chose to, I live, everyday, though I have forgiven my mother, for the pain and trauma I've had to endure, reclaiming things I will never fully be able to hold, cherish, or experience. To a degree, I can say I understand why I went through what I went through, or can even comprehend why it had to happen the way it has; other times I cannot understand it. I want to, desperately understand. I am thirty, with two children of my own. My story, at this point, has become a blueprint and road map of what NOT to do with my own children. Especially, my baby girl. I love them both enough to know what my boundaries are with them; but I owe it to my daughter, to give her what I never had, and never will have, from my mother. I vow to protect them wholeheartedly, from as much as I can, for as long as I can. I want my children to be able to come to me about anything. I want them to be as comfortable with me and as transparent with me as they allow themselves to be. Because they TRUST ME.
If you are reading this, you matter. You ARE important. You are seen. You are not invisible You are not insignificant. You are not worthless, a waste, or ugly. You are beautiful. You are important. You are Intelligent. You are Gorgeous/handsome. You are everything you imagine yourself to be. It's okay. It does not last forever. It will end. You will find peace. I promise!