Saturday, December 31, 2022
Mood: Grateful
Music: Aaliyah I Miss You
What a YEAR it has BEEN!!!!
As I was laying in bed tonight, I began to gather my thoughts, and have spent most of yesterday just taking the time to look back and understand everything that has happened to me, my family, my children, and my friends, since, December 31, 2021.
It has been, if I can say, ONE HELLUVA FUCKIN" YEAR!!!
Goddamn if I don't deserve a medal, or just some kind of reward.
Tonight, in a candlelit room, with soulful music emitting from the speakers, amidst my warm and full comforter, I honestly revel in everything I presently own! Everything I currently am, see, hear, can recall, I have fought tooth and nail to get here. I believe I am in a different space, mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I am so grateful to the unwarranted and unforseen pain I have recently endured that has jolted me back to reality.
I satrted the year, mourning the loss of my mother, dealing with the already hefty pressures of being a single parent of two children, and not really wanting to start another day, let alone a "New Year" happy, and engaged. Everything was a blur. I was so confused,, and alone. I was falling deeper into the depression I had chosen to live in. There it was safe, warm, and only me. I chose to be selfish. Outwardly, I'd become cold, defensive, mean, hateful, vulnerable, and accepting whatever made sense or seemed to feel right, in that moment. That was JUST January....because shortly after I got hit with a second BOOM!
I lost my OTHER best friend I'd lost my grandfather. (My mother's father.) That was MUCH harder, looking back at it.
You ever watch someone die of a broken heart? No? I believe that is what that man left this earth with; a broken heart. My Papa, my sweet old man, loved his wife, my Grammy, so very much. Looking back into a chapter I kept locked away, they argued something fierce, lol, but those two loved their kids, and adored their grandchildren. My mother, that crazy ass woman, was a mixture of both of them. But my mommy was my Grandfather's everything. She was his ONLY girl, and CARRIED HERSELF JUST like him! Ha! Those two together were a HOT mess, and equally as toxic when angry or just flat out being stubborn!!!
I live each day regretting the very last time I saw my grandfather. I had to tell him his daughter passed. I watched that man just shut down. I never got a chance to see him after that, because he fell ill soon after she passed. To lose him in March, just a few short months after losing Ma, was devastating! My pain then became a boiling rage and festering resentment towards everyone and everything. I already felt stuck, complacent, and burrowing deeper into this dismal black abyss I found comfort in; not knowing what to do with this misplaced and unwarranted energy, I just grew angrier, and sadder. I turned to my wonderful amazing, and devoted family. My friends, those I handpicked, those that chose to stick around, those that loved me regardless, tried so hard to rally and uplift me. OMG!!!!! MY friends! Absolutely amazing group of friends I created. The best of the best crew. Those individuals, will forever remain closest to me.
The level of appreciation I have for each of them goes beyond words. Lessons were taught throughout this entire process of love, letting go, fulfillment, jealousy, accountability, communication (or lack thereof). Some true inner searching and cleansing coupled with verbal release helped me snap back to reality and accept what was for just that. I was still a mother. I still had to provide for the three of us. I still had to make a way. I still had to figure it out. Right? My babies needed me. I needed me.
So I began to really think. I began to regain my control. I began to find my way and realized...after an entire decade away from my heart, my home, my chaotic peace (and MULTIPLE trips back and forth) I was ready to go home. I was ready to return to Cali!
What sealed it for me, was the fact that, in a crude and cruel sort of way, my mother was no longer alive. I no longer had to worry about the stress and frustration of arguing with a large part of my unhappiness. Until her passing, I felt trapped withing an invisible restraint. Was it all in my head. Possibly? But I couldn't feel free until I WAS free. She was no longer apart of the earth; yet I embraced her spirit and felt more at ease with knowing that for ONCE she actually saw ME, For me. She couldn't say anything, or do anything; yet I could sense her, and that was my comfort. I just wasn't forced to face her. That was a WIN for me. I began plotting, and researching. I had to take a lot of accountability and do a lot of regrouping to pull off the switch up of the year! After being told I couldn't, I wouldn't, and I never will, I chose to do something about it. I began property hunting, I began calling, I began face-timing. I set appointments, started filling out applications, making connections, traveling heavily (weekends at a time) relying on resources, pooling others'advice and opinions without giving off too much or revealing too much. I utilized what information and knowledge I'd gained, while in the South, and paired that with some of my charm, etiquette, and streets...managed to sway some things.
When I got the news that I had been selected as a final decision for this beautiful home in Los Angeles, the overflowing of excitement, shock, and happiness, that flooded me was beyond a describable feeling!!!! I had accomplished a major change, a huge decision, on my own! I saved, and I accepted help, when needed, of course. But...I had decided to do this for me and my health, memtally and emotionally. I stand on that as an individual, a woman, a mother...I matter. My thriving, my accomplishments, my success, my children's success, is owed and due to the well being of ME!!!!
So I put my family in a quaint location.
Close enough to my childhood home, but different enough for me to start over, and compose my own identity, I successfully introduced my children to the West Coast, for the first time! Bittersweet and full of emotions, because I do wish my mom and grandfather would have been able to meet my two rugrats, I know that the memories and stories and love we here have left, will be all that my babies need to know that part of themselves. I've begun to introduce them to the things that are important here, such as the many different cultures, colors, languages, people, smells, sounds... Los Angeles is a MAGICAL place I would encourage one, if not a few to experience ONCE, in their lifetime!
I've introduced my babies to a few meaningful people in their lives, including their Great Uncle, their Uncle and Aunt, MY best friend, a few more "Aunts and Uncles" cousins...I want my babies o experience family as I have recently learned it's supposed to be.
This last year has been a very HARD year. I have had to do some DEEP self checking, I have had to practice patience, and clarity. I have had to let go of a lot of hurt and pain. I have had to let go of a lot of pain and anger. I have had to let go of a lot of trauma I have had to realize what to feed my energy and what to JUST LET GO of. I have realized...or truthfully speaking, still beginning to realize, that I am a woman of power. I am a woman of uptmost beauty. I am a woman of value. I am a woman of strength. I am a woman of faith. I am a woman of LOVE. Yet, it is limited to what I am willing to give. I have to overall protect myself, for the benefits of my children and all that involve themselves with me. I am my best reflection of me.
I ended last year in a dark place. I chose to end this year as I have. Clear minded. Happy. Joyful. Of Peace. Of likemindedness. I am thankful to all of those that contributed to this success. I am forever grateful to you for this amazing opportunity. I owe you my success eternally!
I am so proud of myself. I am Thankful and most Gracious to the Highest Power and Surrounding Universe.
I am ending this year positively blissful happiness!
I wish you all the very best of 2023!
Financial, Love, Business, Home, Family!
Claim it!
I've recently begun to realize (or more-so accept) that life still moves forward, whether you decided to stand still or not. Amidst tragedy there is an unspoken moment(s) of beauty, clarity, and fulfillment. There is a depth of cleansing you also must endure to gain a better sense of self. Letting go of unwarranted anger, hate, resentment, frustration.. is not only freeing the soul, but to the mind and inner spirit as well.
Had it not been for my already buried feelings of being homesick and missing who I truly was: A Real City girl. Educated, knowledgeable both by the books and the streets, raw, sneaky, sexy (within her own standards), mysterious...I missed my HOME, a place I felt safest, understood, accepted, and LOVED.
Make no mistake, leaving the country gave me the ideals and understanding of family, connections, reliance, value, quality,