Well.....what can I say?
This has been one helluva year. In one year I have completely changed my life. Ivelost, twice, picked up and dropped relationships and the baggage that came with them; I've revisited old tired, and drama filled situations that I did NOT need to be involved in, I've learned lessons, I've explored, I've sampled...I've broken down silently....I have gotten through so much, by relentlessly facing so many obstacles. I'm honestly proud of how I have overlooked and side stepped so much drama, and completely veered from the toxic surroundings I used to willingly allow around me.
I am so BLESSED to be where I am.
It is very freeing, to be able to shed away from the complexities of the past and look into the future, seeing the brighter prospect of life, love, happiness, and peace.
What's better than that, is being able to let go of the pain and troubles of something/ someone intentionally destroying you. That type of pain, though completely unavoidable, is not the easiest to simply bounce back from. To do so, and maintain the ability to keep it that way, comes from an inner strength and a chapter closed. No longer will I allow anyone to keep playing at this sleek and pretty glass door for my amusement or entertainment. Why? Because my easily influenced ass will stop it to see what the next surprise could be, hoping for one thing and getting the complete and total opposite: mainly a goddamn distraction or disaster.
Losing both my grandfather and my mother within months of each other, and then realizing I only have who I have left was a huge eye opener; that hurt wasn't one I expected to feel so deeply, nor so soon. You never foresee the unexpected...as it wasn't expected...but they don't tell you that with that comes the sudden anxiety of no control. The confusing grief, the bouts of anger, frustration, constant untouchable ache....it's maddening. Honestly, the hardest thing to deal with, I have gathered from all of this, and can only assume, to losing your child/ren, is losing a close loved one or a parent. For me, I lost my mother and the last of her trifecta. Her and her parents, my grandparents, are able to live peacefully in the Greater Beyond and Kingdom of Peace. I am greatful for them to be there, because I know that their purpose here on Earth was complete. Selfish as I am being with saying I wish they were still here, I can understand and readily say I understand what they can no longer physically be here. I am okay with the thought. But no, I am not okay.
I miss my mom yes. I miss my Papa. I really miss my Grammy. Yet, I have the best damn squad looking out for me and mine. I couldn't ask for a better team of spirits/ angels to watch over us.
Choosing to step away from all of my exes in one capacity or another,, was the absolute highlight of my year. To be able to sit freely, not wishing any harm, or hold any hatred, towards ANYONE is an amazing feeling. I am grateful to each and every one of them, for the lessons they each brought. I realize through each of them, accountability in staying and dealing falls within myself I chose to miss the red fags, I chose to tolerate the bullshit, I chose to be blinded. The revelation and mind clearing one gets when they break spells cast, or certain facades are dropped, is ultimately amazing. I no longer feel hate, or anger towards anyone. I no longer make myself sick worrying why I am not good enough. I finally realized that i was not meant for them, and they were not meant to stay in my life. I also realized my own worth and love myself enough to ever blame myself for a failed situation that I knowingly gave my all to. You win some, and you lose some. But you live to make the next one better than the last.
I reconnected with my BEST FRIEND and realized that life is too short to miss out on moments with those you love. You never know when you will not have them. You ever know when or if they will be taken from you, and in mos cases, why. Love and appreciate them while you can, as often as you can. I've missed him so much. Over 15 years of unconditional love, understanding, pain, heartbreak, heartache, and loss, gaining him and his unconditional love is amazing to me, especially with ya girl returning home!
That's right, ya girl made it all the way back to Cali, before the end of the year. I sat, I planned, I plotted, I searched, I executed, and I made this shit happen. I needed it, and it was meant for me. I get to set my kids up...and watch the grow up where I did. I get to teach them the things that I have learned growing up. I get to show them what made mommy happy as a child. I get to create happier memories than the ones I have. I get to create new traditions. I get to give them everything I've fought hard as hell to earn and understand.
With 2022 came pain and so much confusion and derailment. I've lost a lot. Finances, friends, family, fucks to give, and foundations. Yet, I have gained clarity, understanding, an opportunity to heal, more people to love and help, and a new stance on life. I choose myself, because I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be spoiled. I deserve everything. We deserve the best. I will settle for nothing less than that.
Bring on 2023!!!!!