Have you ever wanted something so bad, but deep down inside it's either really apparent that it isn't meant to be, or that you just can't have it?
In this case, mine is a person. A very special, wonderful, adoring, caring, uncharted, person. Someone who molded and shaped my perception of what real love is supposed to look like, feel like, and should be. That one person whose life you often don't realize you've impacted, or realize you helped shape for the future.
It's cliche to say that I fell in love with my best friend. But I did.
I fell in love with a young boy who noticed me for the flower that I was growing into, then. He never pressured me, never pushed me, never made me feel less than secure, less than valuable, or less than adequate. When he moved, then, he always considered my steps, or more-so calculated them with mine, to make sure I was included, or even in the least bit involved.
He became my hero, my savior in flesh, my go to, my confidante, my lover, inevitably being my best friend. That was twenty years ago. Two decades later, there is a man that has grown from that little boy, who embodies so much strength, bravado, courage, intelligence, charisma, and severe passion. I want him more than I ever have. I just don't know that I can or will ever have him.
How do you make yourself let go of the fire, the intimacy, the chemistry, and the ever flowing compassion, passion, and empathy that the same single soul gives you, now, in the present form? Least to factor in real life circumstances, ever present physical factors, distance, time.....and not drive yourself crazy with wanting just that single most important person, now?
I question the realness of the situation. I question whether the same feelings are really there on the flip side. I question whether or not fate and the universe really are telling me that I can have what I want, and that I should wait....but then again I fight with asking if I will truly receive what i feel as though is being taunted before me. To be given the hope that what was then, can be obtained now, only to realize it's gonna be different, is a very scary thought. But i crave it, more. I want more of it. I want what could possibly never be anything. Would I be settling?
Have you ever felt like this? AM I the only one to feel like this?