It's only the 9th day into the new year, and already, I have had to deal with so many different things.
It's terrifying to have to keep it together, and put on a brave face, so others don't really see, or know that on the inside, you feel so alone and broken, and feel VERY unstable.
I've always had this issue, though. For as long as I can remember. But I have always been good at helping others, and helping them put their lives back together, or rebuild what's broken in their world.
Why is it so easy to see and assist everything for everyone else, but then the light or focus is on oneself, it's like decryption codes, or learning another language?
I feel so incapable and so lost, that it scares me. Honestly, I know I'll never be perfect. I gave up on the idea of achieving that, a LONG time ago. What actually is the idea of perfection, anyway? I just want one person, just one, to be proud of me, and SHOW me that they are, without having to find something to critique. That's not possible either, though, in the world we currently live in. Because there is always something someone can show me that needs work! And I want it, but crazy enough, I don't know how to accept it.
I'm a mother, who makes mistakes.
I'm a friend, who isn't always there. (Though I try HARD to be)
I am educated student who has yet to finish her academic career.
I don't stay at one job very long (be it me being unhappy where I'm at or unable to accept the conditions of where I work)
I'm a daughter who hasn't been the best child.
I haven't been the best partner in past relationships.
I have an unruly temper sometimes (and half the time unsure of what im actually upset at).
I really just want to keep to myself...because I don't really know where I fit into this world. Or know how to. Being myself seems to be so easy for others to tell me to do, but when I am myself I am judged and ridiculed for doing so.
Is it crazy that I actually prefer to be invisible? I crave to wanted, but it's easier to be unseen, and overlooked, because i don't have to deal with rejection, disappointment, or more pain?
I feel so little, so minute, so insignificant. And I know it's wrong to accept it, but long ago began to rely on the comfort it brings me to not matter. To not be accepted. To not be seen, heard, or cared for. Those that say they care or love me, end up leaving, hurting me, or disappearing anyway.
I feel like a fucked up individual on the inside. At 30 years old, I have no sense of direction, no sense of purpose. I believe what I've been told over and over again, and am TIRED of fighting to prove others wrong. I want so much to just drop everything and walk away. I cannot, however do that, becauuse of the two tiny humans I created. They deserve so much. They deserve everything I cannot seem to accomplish.
I can't let the demons inside win. Even though I so want to give in.