When Life gives you lemons, you make lemonade!
I want to apologize for seemingly abandoning you guys and not posting. Essentially when I created this blog, it was supposed to be my way of sharing my world, my thoughts, and my life with you all. Cali Oasis was SUPPOSED to be my journal, my safe place, my healing process, to be shared with you all. As life took over, my desire to share became less important, very minimal, and as we all know.....non existent.....until now. I truly did not mean to put this space, my space, on the shelf. I realize that I need this more than I thought I did. I am truly truly apologetic for my choices. It shall not happen, again.
To say that this past year, really year and a half, haven't been crazy, is crazy! Life has given me so many new updates, both prayed upon, and some completely unexpected. I'm truly grateful for the life I was given, because it was specifically designed for me. However, this road to SUCCESS, was not patented for the WEAK, the disheartened, the misplaced, or those without FAITH.
I have been trying to navigate life as I know it, with poise, grace, class and a sense of patience and understanding, as those exact qualities have been graciously given to me. Or used through me, for lack of better words. As such, I feel as though I have navigated and maneuvered in a manner that MOST would deem SUPERB or EXCELLENT, to say the least.
In all actuality, I'm more more WRONG answer, action, or situation away, from Crashing the FUCK out! 😧
Let's start with the positive things in my life:
1. Moved away from Georgia (after 10 years)
2. Rebuilt a life and started over in California (MY home)
3. Embarked both my children upon their K-12 experience. (I NOW have a second grader, and a kindergartener.)
4. Put myself in therapy (its TIME to heal)
5.. Enrolled in college (A.S Transfer in Business Management)
6. Began working for an Elite Catering Company (side hustle)
7. Reconstructed my LONG resume and began shopping it around and explore new job opportunities
8. Landed a few new and exciting opportunities that would catapult my life into a forward motion like no other.
ALL MAJOR accomplishments for ME that are designed to keep me on my toes and focused. The main goal is to remain FOCUSED.
Now,
While all of this has been happening, I have been juggling, (as I have always done) being a full time mother of two, dealing with my family (impossible to say the LEAST), navigating old friendships, while cultivating new, and juggling a partnership(can I call it that?). It's been a whirlwind! High emotions, expectations set but never followed through, and moments of pure catastrophic chaos, entwined with love, joy, appreciation, and congratulations. I can't say it's bad, but trying definitely fits the bill a little bit better.
I gotta keep it 100 with you all.....
MY life....is HARD! Hard in the sense of.....trying to re-calibrate yourself and make yourself flexible for everyone, is not for the WEAK. (I'm not complaining, just stating facts). Don't get me wrong, I love being a counselor to my friends, a coach to others, a "big sis" to those few who aren't actually blood related; while being a therapist, friend, and safe space for those allowing themselves to be healed in a sense, by my essence. (No I'm not tooting my own horn, but I do recognize my best attributes). I'm just trying to categorize and fill the spots that I'm gaining new knowledge for and do my BIGGEST one and succeed.
Sometimes though, I feel like even with me being able to wear all these hats, and then some, plus carry all the bags, the workout gear, the emotions, the fear, the PRESSURE..... I feel like I'm going to explode! I hate that feeling, the anxiety of it all. No lie, sometimes I feel like I'm constantly drowning.
Have you ever been struggling or in a situation where you think or you are fighting to scream and let go, or even scream just to be hear, and no noise is being made, no sound is emitted, no reaction is apparent? THAT is how I've been feeling, for a while. It's sad, kinda dark, and honestly heartbreaking.
Truth moment: No matter how hard or bright I shine, I always feel overlooked, invisible, and very very low, on ANY scale; I just want someone who SEES me, adds to me, flourishes for and with me.....and most often times, I'm alone in a room or world full of people. THAT isn't healthy, helpful, or positive. Yet, I radiate all positivity and happiness in the world. Why? Well, because that's part of my purpose that I have figured out. I was created to help heal, refocus, and bring joy to others.
Sometime I wonder why I was chosen for this great task. Other times, I just go with the flow. In the moments that seem very vague and uncertain....I may question the direction I'm supposed to go in, or the purpose of THAT purpose. I know I'm not supposed to, and I know IN those times I'm supposed to pray about it and let go; It's easier said than done.
What I have earned, is that limits are made to be pushed, boundaries will be set and broken repeatedly, respect isn't always he answer, loyalty means nothing to those who cannot themselves provide it, abundance isn't everything, quality over quantity needs to be re-implemented into the framework of society, the government isn't worth a damn, and good help is EXTREMELY hard to find on this life's journey I call my own.
I miss you guys, and I hope that you are all doing well.
Remember that it isn't just you in this world you are living for. Remember that loving yourself is much easier than trying to love many people at the same time. Focus on what works for you, and radiate that energy outwards, drawing in the same energy plus more. Live as if the next twenty-four hours isn't apparent, but never regret the last twenty-four you've spent wherever you may be. Take pride in self. Center yourself. Love yourself, if you expect others to love and respect you. It's okay to set boundaries. It's okay to stand behind your morals. It's okay It's okay to let go of things (and people) that no longer serve you. It's okay to take accountability, and live with the results of the aftermath, positive, or negative. Everything, and everyone is a lesson. Sometimes it's not always the lesson you expect, but knowledge can come from anywhere.
Peace, love and light. 💋
